I shall propose several examples.
1. I pay for the meager amount of a half kilogram of bread with a bill
of the largest denomination in circulation and I flatly refuse to accept
the change. I attentively observe the baker's covetousness, willing as
he is to take advantage of my presumed insanity.
I leave.
Five minutes later I enter the store once more, this time accompanied
by a police officer, and I accuse the baker of having refused to hand over
my change. I study his anger at my bad faith, his disappointment at the
foiled rip-off. Fearful, perplexed, he stammers incomprehensible excuses
under the suspicious stare of the policeman, who does not believe that
someone would refuse to accept that kind of change. He humbly hands me
the necessary amount and I magnanimously declare that I prefer to consider
the unpleasant episode closed. The officer, somewhat disappointed, says
"Whatever you say." I observe with satisfaction the immense relief on the
baker's face.*
2. I invite a friend of mine to have dinner at my home. When he arrives,
I prevent him from entering with the accusation that he had - twelve or
fourteen years earlier- stolen my girl with whom, of course, I was madly
in love. I observe his astonishment (we've known each other for only a
few months), his hesitation (could I possibly be the one who...), his sorrow,
his rage. . .
3. I get on the bus and say "To such and such a place." When the driver
- who is busy keeping his eyes on the traffic- opens his hand to collect
the fare, I drop a chess rook and a sprig of parsley into it. The question
is: how will the busdriver - a person of habitually unstable nerves- interpret
this enigmatic offering?
4. I take a trip to the resort city of Mar del Plata and check into
one of the most luxurious hotels. Just as soon as the maid leaves, I put
the bed out in the hallway and take a refreshing nap, particularly well
deserved after such a tiring trip, right there.
5. By means of a skeleton key, I let myself into any house when the
owners happen to be absent. I await them placidly seated, smoking, drinking
whisky, watching television.
The subjects arrive. Then I harshly rebuke them, I shake my fist at
them, I say, "How the devil do you have the nerve to walk into my house?,"
paying no attention to their explanations. I demand that they show me their
deed to the house, I do not allow them to open the drawer in which they
ridiculously claim the deed is since that drawer is an inalienable part
of a piece of furniture which, in turn, is an inalienable part of my house
and, consequently, in no way could possibly contain the deed to a house
belonging to people who are strangers, suspicious characters and perhaps
criminals and well-known members of the underworld, etc.
6. I become acquainted with a prim, rather silly and let's say quite
pretty girl. I ask her for a date, I tell her I love her, I become her
fiancé and thus the date of our engagement arrives; the celebration
takes place at her house.
Someone makes a toast.
Then there's another toast.
There's a third toast.
Finally, the long-awaited moment arrives in which the fiancé
- a well-mannered boy, if such an entity can be said to exist- offers his
betrothed the beautiful surprise that has been talked about so much. Smiling
with love and happiness, I hand over a package of considerable dimensions.
The bride-to-be tests its weight; it seems great to her. The keenest
curiosity is etched on the guests' faces. Everyone forms a circle and the
women squeeze around the ecstatic bride-to-be. The fancy gift wrapping
goes flying and so does the bow with which it's adorned. Now a rich case
lined in black chamois comes into view. "An expensive jewel!" my sweetheart
thinks and that gleam of covetousness that I see in her eyes justifies
me in advance. Her fingers rush to unsnap the automatic lock.
The lid rises with a plush click and a beautiful, multi-colored, cheery
extremely venomous coral snake sinuously slides, in search of freedom,
along my sweetheart's ivory arms.
7. I wait until the manager of the firm for which I work is in his impressive,
carpeted office, conversing with his most important client who is about
to close the deal on a purchase worth an astronomical sum. I rap timidly
on the door; I hear "Come in;" I enter with discrete and modest steps;
I say with a circumspect hint of a smile, "Pardon me, sir;" I walk to the
imposing wooden cabinet, open it and urinate torrentially upon portfolios,
books, equipment, contracts, documents and papers which may or may not
be important.
Of course, there are a few simpler variants which I bequeath to those
who may still lack the necessary practice and who may want to take up this
psychological crusade. Here are a few:
Making passionate and even erotic remarks to members of the Salvation
Army without regard to sex or age.
Stand on the drugstore scale and stay there all day without allowing
anyone to weigh himself.
Buying two hundred grams of salami, sliced very thin, opening the package
and, using the beautiful red slices, outlining a heart and writing I LOVE
YOU on the delicatessen counter.
Traveling on the bus, seated next to the aisle; waiting for the time
your neighbor, man or woman, has to get off and says "Excuse me;" and you
answer categorically, "No," and you absolutely refuse to allow him or her
to pass.
The psychological crusade can cause a certain amount of anxiety (as
does any crusade), implies one is involved in serious difficulties (as
does any crusade). But, what do these inconveniences mean compared with
the delight of observing the reactions to which the psychological crusade
gives rise?
This is, at any rate, what I imagine, for - I confess- I'm nothing more
than a mere theoretician and it's probable that I'll never put my ideas
into practice. But you can - and should- do it.
* Note that we are dealing in mere hypothesis. This baker would react
in the manner indicated, the one down the block perhaps would not be intimidated
by the presence of the police officer and would impudently affirm that
he had given me the change, etc. As can be seen, by repeating this experiment
- with different bakers and, especially, with different policemen- we can
succeed in plumbing the depths of bakers' souls. This is true to a lesser
extent with respect to policemen's souls.
