I beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen, that the conversation has turned to such a thing, but I have suffered a great deal. You see, here we live in the twenty-first century, but our latrines are still like those of the Stone Age. They're boxes made anyhow from unshaven planks, and there you are. It's nice if they paint "W" or "M" on them, otherwise you just have to use them indiscriminately. It's said there are latrines just like palaces in Germany. Everything is designed for your pleasure: nice music plays, they smell of flowers, an attendant with towels receives you, he says "Guten morgen" and other pleasantries if you have the desire to do a crap. But here it's quite the contrary. Unfortunately for you, you have nowhere to sit down. You have to do everything standing. A fine time - Perestroika and Democracy! You don't know what to do, either hold your pair of bags or hold the door so that it won't swing open or have somebody burst in. 

 

However of course you have to use it in a case of emergency. A foreman used it recently, but I lost a pay rise and a cushy job as a plumber as a result. I would be lounging about now, but my dreams didn't come true. Such is the transmogrification of my life. I will tell you about it right now. 

The foreman of our boilerhouse, Andron Eliseich Sozinov, is an earnest man, even soberminded, but in all fairness he is a bit hot-tempered and it's frightening to think what he might do in the heat of the moment. He isn't answerable for his actions. It happened last week. Us stokers and plumbers got our salary. We got it for the first time after eight months of work. On that day of all days I was to be married to Dunya, the foreman's daughter.

"What luck!" we thought, "Money for marriage. This is nothing less than the smile of fortune!"

Simply we felt like living and taking pleasure! We drank to my wedding and to the salary as well. I can't say for certain how much we drank, but you all know what vodka is nowadays. It isn't vodka but sheer water. There are racketeers, druggies, swindlers everywhere. They steal, stretch vodka with water; it's just horrific. Such are the times nowadays. The Perestroika! Well, we drank in our joy as is tradition and set out to my wedding from the boilerhouse. The father of my bride, the foreman Andron Eliseich Sozinov, was wearing a holiday pair of bags with stripes, of course. And, as ill luck would have it, he had an urge to take a crap. The latrine was right in front of his house, where tiny tables were set for my wedding. The guests and neighbours from all the floors had got together. They were congratulating each other in such loud voices that one could even hear them from the street.

The foreman said to me, "Valentine, wait for me outside a while. We will come into the home together like relatives so that everything will be in good order and proper. See?"

Well I started to wait for him. Suddenly I heard Andron Eliseich swearing heartfeltedly and it seemed that he was calling me. Well, I went in and saw the foreman was down on all fours and looking into the hole. And there was such a strong mephitis in the latrine that I just choked.

"Have you taken leave of your senses with joy?" I asked. "What business have you down there?"

"You see buddy," he said, "I dropped the bloody money, the whole bundle to the last rouble! Just imagine, the whole salary for eight months!"

I cast a look into the hole and saw it was true, everything was sprinkled with bank-notes.

"What is to be done?" I asked him.

"I know what, hold me by my feet and I'll pick up them. This is my very own money, earned by the sweat of my brow! See?"

"All right," I said. "As you like. But quickly please, 'cause the stink just makes my eyes smart and my head is swimming. I always grow weak with such strong smells."

"You can close your eyes. And don't breathe. It isn't necessary to breathe here. It isn't a flower garden for you to smell. Quickly hold me fast and I will pick up my money."

Well, he got into the hole. And I took his feet and his trousers as well for the purpose of reliability. How it came about I don't know. But before I knew it, only his holiday pair of bags and boots were left in my hands. In a word I couldn't hold the foreman. He slipped right out of my hands. I heard Andron Eliseich cursing up hill and down dale from in the sump. He couldn't get out from it himself, he just was slipping and falling. Only with the help of ropes were we able to drag him out of it in an hour and a half. So the foreman was pulled out of the sump. If you will excuse the expression, he was covered with "chocolate" from head to foot and with no trousers on.

"You son of a bitch, did you let fall me on purpose?!" he shouted; he was as cross as two sticks. "Did you want to drown me?! It is deep down there - about ten feet of shit!" He started to call me every name under the sun. It was a real stream of invective. Now swarms of people were gathered round, all the guests, my bride Dunya, everyone was so dignified, dressed in their holiday garb. Even a priest with his goatee came running dressed in a sack and cross, that is to say in his priest's accoutrements.

Then I thought in deep dudgeon, "What unfairness!" and I told all my thoughts about him to the foreman's face in the presence of all the guests:

"What are you talking about, comrade Andron Eliseich? It's small of you. It has nothing to do with me. You are responsible. You have built such awful latrines, you are the boss. Strictly speaking you cut costs, nails and solder, every time. To put it mildly, it's all put on, not real labour!"

"Well! You must be dismissed from office after such words!" he shouted. "Did you ever! Such impertinence! You paltry shorty, you're not even fit for the work of stoker at the boilerhouse. Moreover, you pip-squeak, you have the face to make yourself out to be a bridegroom and to obtrude on my Dunya!"

Well, then I lost my patience. The foreman-stinker's words touched me to the quick.

"Your daughter is an elephant cow!" I said. "A whopping big buxom one. One should carry logs by her, but not lead her to the altar. And her ass just defies description. It's an unheard-of size! I was told I was off my base to get married to such a tremendous cow. I must have been dotty! Maybe she weighs a whole five hundred pounds. Only her ass is two hundred pounds. It's nothing less than a terrible sight! I would never have made up my mind to do it but for the Perestroika!"

"So that's it! I like his impudence!" the foreman shouted. "I always knew that a rat-face like you would have such a nefarious purpose! Don't even think of wedding. You are not a son-in-law for me now!"

"Good riddance!" I said. "I'm sort of glad. You just have taken a load off my mind. Maybe I've begun to think clearly after your nasty irresponsible statements. At least it isn't necessary to get married!"

I had words with our foreman then. It was a case of diamond cutting against diamond, to everybody's delight. The guests were making merry over us simply nickering like in the circus. However a bit later they were in no mood for laughter when they got to know about the money. A scrimmage began because of the scramble to get into the sump for the money. They all pushed into it together like besotted dullards. They broke up the box entirely. The mephitis was spread all through the neighbourhood. It was difficult to breathe. The priest got into the sump for the money ahead of the rest. I don't know what would happened at the end of my quarrel with Andron Eliseich but for that circumstance. The foreman stopped quarrelling with me at the sight of the impertinent plundering of his money and rushed into the crowd himself.

Well, I laughed looking at this ugly spectacle, then spat and went home, with a light heart in spite of everything. I didn't give a damn about losing my career as a plumber and pay rise because I'm a pure-souled man. 
 

P. S. As for the money the foreman didn't get it.

(c) Tschetorinsky.  All Rights Reserved.